Saturday 1 March 2014

Scott of the Antarctic: The musical show report

Dear Readers and Spam Bots,

I recently put together my show report for Scott of the Antarctic: the Musical. Why not read about my Edinburgh adventures here:

http://www.freefringeforum.org/viewtopic.php?f=193&t=2456

Well done on coming to the blog during a period of dormancy.

More content to follow soon.

- F

Wednesday 31 July 2013

June pub ratings – Botley, Hackney, Toronto


I spent much of June in Canadia researching the concept of Northernness in preparation for the Cheshire Liberation Front’s Edinburgh show this year – Scott of the Antarctic: The Musical. Both Scott and Amundsen travelled to the far north to learn the ways of the Inuit before embarking on their voyage to the earth’s most southerly point. In a recent exhibition at the Bodleian in Oxford I read about how Philip Pullman was interested in the concept of Pure Northernness, not as a geographical area but as ‘a single unendurable sense of desire and loss’. With the only remaining example of Pure Northenness, Compo’s unrequited love for Nora Batty, now impossible to investigate due to the death of Compo, I instead journeyed to Canada in search of pure Northernness and to unleash my inner explorer ala Scott. As well as this, I also aimed to find Toronto’s legendary goth scene and to rate loads of pubs. Looking back I can safely say I achieved one of these three aims.

Best Pub (4.5), Best Décor (4.8), Best Clientele (5.0) – the Bovine Sex Club

When Sarah Mather (aka the Mathertron, aka one half of esteemed Abu Dhabi-based double act Silver Fox & the Mathertoad) returned back from a trip to Canada in the early naughties, one of the places she mentioned caught my imagination. I speak of the Bovine Sex Club. For a young lad brought up in the dairy county of Cheshire, such an exotic sounding night spot seemed like an impossible dream. Openly having sex with cattle in a club, rather than furtively doing it in a field, in the dead of night, after tipping them over; what kind of country would allow such a thing? What I didn’t realise at the time was that Canada is a liberally-progressive utopia, which legalised gay marriage way back in 2003 and has sanctioned human-ruminant relationships within dedicated safe spaces for years. Needless to say, when I finally made it to Toronto this was gonna be my first port of call and I was not disappointed. In terms of décor the BSC (not BSE mind, although that can be a consequence of going to the BSC) consists of two competing aesthetics, the bottom floor is a scuzzy rock club made up of the spokes and wheels of discarded fixy bikes of West Queen West’s vast hipster population. The top floor is a Tiki Lounge open to the night sky, a larger version of T’House At T’op’s smoke-booth come T’ikki hut. It was here that I first met the King of Toronto’s rock and metal scene Bob Muck, who took me under his wing and introduced me to the city’s alternative night life. A nicer man with full facial tattoos you would struggle to find. In between taking me to Lee’s Palace and inviting me fishing, he  told me many a tale about his escaped Reticulated Python and the health predicaments of various ailing metal legends (hint: if anyone’s reading this from 6 music it’s probably worth starting work on that Lemmy retrospective pretty sharpish).

Best Atmosphere (4.5) – The Dakota, Ossington, Toronto

As well as expanding my understanding of the Northern sublime, I also went to Toronto in search of its legendary 80s and 90s Goth scene. However, despite my best efforts on Ask Jeeves I got little joy from the snooty internet butler. Seemingly most of the legendary goth clubs had shut down or been subsumed into the homogenous borg that is Hipsterdom. While I never really found a proper goth club containing a floor of trad, cyber and noize as per the Slimelight model, I did find an equally pleasing beast in the form of an Alt Cunt (Alternative Country for you squares out there) night at the Dakota. Unfortunately when I visited this club it was at the end of the evening and my memories are somewhat hazy. However, from the scrawl in my ratings book I can determine that numerous lightbulbs hung from the ceiling, that there were plentiful banjos and beards but most importantly it didn’t sound like Mumford and sons. Good times.

Best booze (4.8) – The Cock Tavern, Hackney, That London

Despite dominating every other category, Canadia failed to win the best booze rating. Why is this? Although there are numerous microbreweries in Toronto – the majority are brewing Craft. C4Lf’s head brewer Mister Lloyd recently explained the difference to me between a pint of John Smiths, a pint of Craft and a pint of Cask. Again I don’t really remember the details, carbonating and nitrogen were involved. However, what I do remember was his mantra “Always ask for cask!”, which is less obtuse than his other mantra, “who’s on your tooth?!” And when it came to cask Canadia, I’m afraid you came up short. To give you an example I ordered a pint of Cask Black Oak Marmalade Saison and then a pint of Cheshire Porter in the otherwise excellent C’est What pub. What I got on both occasions was a completely flat pint devoid of any head, which had been chilled to -5 degrees. In our age of cultural relativism it’s tricky to say what is right and what is wrong regarding the customs of other countries but I’m pretty sure that real ale resembling ice tea in not a good idea. Canadian ice wine on the other hand I have no problem with. Anyway, the best booze this month as rated by the Scott of the Antarctic crew was the Cock Tavern in Hackney. Hardman and I used to come in here when it was a proper East End boozer, where we serenaded with Queen anthems by the kind of hard gays you used to get in the fifties, who ran London’s crime scene and posed for Francis Bacon, but have since long gone out of fashion. Since it’s been Hipsterfied it contains a mix of cask, craft and real ciders – all the kind of dizzying 5.0% plus abv that keeps a boozy Tone content.

Best courtesy of bar staff (4.8) – The Village Idiot, Toronto

Following the operation Yew Tree sex scandal I’d become quite depressed about being a man. If the best minds of the Baby Boomer generation (Jimmy Saville, Stuart Hall, the Cast of Coronation Street) when put in positions of power would use that power for paedophilia, then I reasoned, that probably at heart, when removed from the constraints of society, all men are paedophiles. To assume you’d behave any differently from these light entertainment greats – Saville (who was the first person ever to mix with two decks), Hall (who fused the elite culture of Shakespeare with the popular culture of football commentary) and the Cast of Coronation Street (Britain’s longest running and best loved TV soap) would be the height of arrogance.

However, my trip to Canadia made me modify my stance somewhat from: all men at heart are paedophiles to all men at heart are paedophiles except Canadians because they’re just too nice to do that sort of thing. In Canadia, without exception, WITHOUT EXCEPTION, everyone is friendly and lovely. All I had to do was sit on a bar stool on my own and before long someone would come along to chat to me, offer to get me breakfast in their café for free and suggest interesting things to see in their city in a modest and self-effacing way. This is best summed up by the barstaff of the Village Idiot who when I asked her if she had any local Torontonian microbrews on she replied that she didn’t (even though her pub had 32 different ales on many from the Ontario region if not specifically from Toronto) and then proceeded to get her android phone out and show me the locations of different pubs in Toronto which would meet my requirements. Such was her niceness that I stayed and had a pint of Wellington anyway, which her friend Karen at the bar insisted on buying for me. Those Canadians what a friendly bunch – eh!

 

#
 Pub
Description
D
A
B
C
COB
M
1
The Bovine Sex Club, Toronto
Moderately hard rock, tiki lounges, Bob Muck and a spot of bovine bothering
4.8
4.3
3.8
5.0
4.5
4.5
2
Village idiot pub, Toronto
A self-effacing barmaid and 32 beers on tap
4
3.9
4.25
4.8
4.8
4.34
3
The Dakota tavern, Toronto
Alt cunts &blue grass
4.7
4.5
4.1
3.5
3.9
4.1
4
Graffiti bar, Toronto
Black metal brunch & Leedslike
4.3
4
3.6
3.9
4.2
3.99
5
The Cock, Hackney, London
Bearded hipster craft hang out
4.0
4.0
4.8
3.8
3.3
4.0
6
The Paradise, Queen Street West, Toronto
Dolly Parton karaoke, decaying interior
4.4
4.0
3.9
3.6
3.9
4.0
7
Sweaty Betties, Toronto
Rock corner pub on edge of Ossington
4.0
4.1
3.9
3.6
4.1
3.9
8
Squirly’s, Queen Street West, Toronto
Hanging mermaids & Tankhouse ale
3.9
3.7
3.9
4.3
3.9
3.9
9
Lee's Palace, Toronto
Cavernous alt rock bunker
4.1
4.4
3.2
3.8
3.9
3.9
10
Painted Ladies, Toronto
Red lighting and psyched out shit
4.0
4.3
3.9
3.5
3.8
3.9
11
The Punter, Botley, Oxford
The gentrified side of Botley life
4.0
4.1
3.5
4.0
3.8
3.9
12
The Railway, Dalston, London
Still got some proper locals
4.0
3.9
4.3
3.7
3.5
3.9
13
Mill Street Brewery, Toronto
Vanilla Porter in Distillery District
3.8
3.6
4.2
3.2
4.1
3.8
14
Grossman’s Tavern, Toronto
Multi-generational music in sparse settings
4.3
4.3
3.3
4
3
3.75
15
Thirsty and miserable, Toronto
Interrupting Canadian’s conversations to ask them the rules of baseball
3.8
3
4.2
3.9
3.9
3.75
16
C'est What, Toronto
Lots of beers but fish tank and soulless
3.6
3.2
4.5
3.4
3.9
3.7
17
The Velvet Underground, Toronto
No snakey Bs, needs more combichrist
4.0
4.5
2.8
4.0
3.0
3.7
18
The Oxford Blue, Oxford
Average pub with leather sofas
3.8
3.6
3.6
2.9
3.8
3.5
19
The Monarch Tavern, Toronto
Circular fish tanks, faux pub feel
3.6
2.8
3.5
3.7
3.8
3.48
20
The Hide Out, Queen Street West, Toronto
A sort of red tunnel
3.8
3.3
3.9
2
4.3
3.44
21
The Kite, Botley, Oxford
Caught it on a bit of an off day. Nice arch.
3.5
2.8
3.3
3.8
3.5
3.3
22
The Honey Pot, Oxford
Heavy on the dance soundtrack.
3.4
2.9
3.6
3.3
3.5
3.3
23
Duke of Cambridge, Islington, London
Organic Islington pub
3.4
3.0
3.6
3.0
3.5
3.3
24
Rivoli, Toronto
Comedy night in back room, good gags about bees
2.9
3.2
3.2
3.6
3.5
3.3
25
The Somerstown Coffeehouse, Euston, London
No Northern Ales! Suffers due to numbers.
3.5
3.1
3.2
3.0
2.6
3.1
26
Lord John Russell, Bloomsbury, London
Another BM Friday nighter – weak ales.
3.0
3.1
2.9
3.0
2.2
2.8
27
The Royal Oak, Oxford
Iffley beer garden, pricey
4.0
2.3
3.4
1.1
3.4
2.8
28
Spadina Café, Toronto
42 comedians hanging on by the SKIN OF THEIR NUTS
4.1
1.0
3.3
2.0
3.5
2.8
29
The Hollybush, Botley, London
Destitute – no real ale, friendly bar staff
2.0
2.3
1.0
2.3
3.4
2.2