I spent much of June in Canadia researching the concept of
Northernness in preparation for the Cheshire Liberation Front’s Edinburgh show
this year – Scott of the Antarctic: The Musical. Both Scott and Amundsen
travelled to the far north to learn the ways of the Inuit before embarking on
their voyage to the earth’s most southerly point. In a recent exhibition at the
Bodleian in Oxford I read about how Philip Pullman was interested in the concept
of Pure Northernness, not as a geographical area but as ‘a single unendurable
sense of desire and loss’. With the only remaining example of Pure Northenness,
Compo’s unrequited love for Nora Batty, now impossible to investigate due to
the death of Compo, I instead journeyed to Canada in search of pure
Northernness and to unleash my inner explorer ala Scott. As well as this, I
also aimed to find Toronto’s legendary goth scene and to rate loads of pubs.
Looking back I can safely say I achieved one of these three aims.
Best Pub (4.5), Best
Décor (4.8), Best Clientele (5.0) – the Bovine Sex Club
When Sarah Mather (aka the Mathertron, aka one half of
esteemed Abu Dhabi-based double act Silver Fox & the Mathertoad) returned
back from a trip to Canada in the early naughties, one of the places she mentioned
caught my imagination. I speak of the Bovine Sex Club. For a young lad brought
up in the dairy county of Cheshire, such an exotic sounding night spot seemed
like an impossible dream. Openly having sex with cattle in a club, rather than
furtively doing it in a field, in the dead of night, after tipping them over;
what kind of country would allow such a thing? What I didn’t realise at the
time was that Canada is a liberally-progressive utopia, which legalised gay
marriage way back in 2003 and has sanctioned human-ruminant relationships
within dedicated safe spaces for years. Needless to say, when I finally made it
to Toronto this was gonna be my first port of call and I was not disappointed.
In terms of décor the BSC (not BSE mind, although that can be a consequence of
going to the BSC) consists of two competing aesthetics, the bottom floor is a
scuzzy rock club made up of the spokes and wheels of discarded fixy bikes of
West Queen West’s vast hipster population. The top floor is a Tiki Lounge open
to the night sky, a larger version of T’House At T’op’s smoke-booth come T’ikki
hut. It was here that I first met the King of Toronto’s rock and metal scene
Bob Muck, who took me under his wing and introduced me to the city’s
alternative night life. A nicer man with full facial tattoos you would struggle
to find. In between taking me to Lee’s Palace and inviting me fishing, he told me many a tale about his escaped
Reticulated Python and the health predicaments of various ailing metal legends
(hint: if anyone’s reading this from 6 music it’s probably worth starting work
on that Lemmy retrospective pretty sharpish).
Best Atmosphere (4.5)
– The Dakota, Ossington, Toronto
As well as expanding my understanding of the Northern
sublime, I also went to Toronto in search of its legendary 80s and 90s Goth
scene. However, despite my best efforts on Ask Jeeves I got little joy from the
snooty internet butler. Seemingly most of the legendary goth clubs had shut
down or been subsumed into the homogenous borg that is Hipsterdom. While I
never really found a proper goth club containing a floor of trad, cyber and
noize as per the Slimelight model, I did find an equally pleasing beast in the
form of an Alt Cunt (Alternative Country for you squares out there) night at
the Dakota. Unfortunately when I visited this club it was at the end of the
evening and my memories are somewhat hazy. However, from the scrawl in my
ratings book I can determine that numerous lightbulbs hung from the ceiling, that
there were plentiful banjos and beards but most importantly it didn’t sound
like Mumford and sons. Good times.
Best booze (4.8) –
The Cock Tavern, Hackney, That London
Despite dominating every other category, Canadia failed to
win the best booze rating. Why is this? Although there are numerous
microbreweries in Toronto – the majority are brewing Craft. C4Lf’s head brewer
Mister Lloyd recently explained the difference to me between a pint of John
Smiths, a pint of Craft and a pint of Cask. Again I don’t really remember the
details, carbonating and nitrogen were involved. However, what I do remember
was his mantra “Always ask for cask!”, which is less obtuse than his other
mantra, “who’s on your tooth?!” And when it came to cask Canadia, I’m afraid
you came up short. To give you an example I ordered a pint of Cask Black Oak
Marmalade Saison and then a pint of Cheshire Porter in the otherwise excellent
C’est What pub. What I got on both occasions was a completely flat pint devoid
of any head, which had been chilled to -5 degrees. In our age of cultural relativism
it’s tricky to say what is right and what is wrong regarding the customs of
other countries but I’m pretty sure that real ale resembling ice tea in not a
good idea. Canadian ice wine on the other hand I have no problem with. Anyway,
the best booze this month as rated by the Scott of the Antarctic crew was the
Cock Tavern in Hackney. Hardman and I used to come in here when it was a proper
East End boozer, where we serenaded with Queen anthems by the kind of hard gays
you used to get in the fifties, who ran London’s crime scene and posed for
Francis Bacon, but have since long gone out of fashion. Since it’s been Hipsterfied
it contains a mix of cask, craft and real ciders – all the kind of dizzying
5.0% plus abv that keeps a boozy Tone content.
Best courtesy of bar
staff (4.8) – The Village Idiot, Toronto
Following the operation Yew Tree sex scandal I’d become quite
depressed about being a man. If the best minds of the Baby Boomer generation (Jimmy
Saville, Stuart Hall, the Cast of Coronation Street) when put in positions of
power would use that power for paedophilia, then I reasoned, that probably at
heart, when removed from the constraints of society, all men are paedophiles.
To assume you’d behave any differently from these light entertainment greats –
Saville (who was the first person ever to mix with two decks), Hall (who fused
the elite culture of Shakespeare with the popular culture of football
commentary) and the Cast of Coronation Street (Britain’s longest running and
best loved TV soap) would be the height of arrogance.
However, my trip to Canadia made me modify my stance
somewhat from: all men at heart are paedophiles to all men at heart are
paedophiles except Canadians because they’re just too nice to do that sort of
thing. In Canadia, without exception, WITHOUT EXCEPTION, everyone is friendly
and lovely. All I had to do was sit on a bar stool on my own and before long
someone would come along to chat to me, offer to get me breakfast in their café
for free and suggest interesting things to see in their city in a modest and
self-effacing way. This is best summed up by the barstaff of the Village Idiot
who when I asked her if she had any local Torontonian microbrews on she replied
that she didn’t (even though her pub had 32 different ales on many from the
Ontario region if not specifically from Toronto) and then proceeded to get her android
phone out and show me the locations of different pubs in Toronto which would
meet my requirements. Such was her niceness that I stayed and had a pint of
Wellington anyway, which her friend Karen at the bar insisted on buying for me.
Those Canadians what a friendly bunch – eh!
|
#
|
Pub
|
Description
|
D
|
A
|
B
|
C
|
COB
|
M
|
|
1
|
The Bovine Sex Club,
Toronto
|
Moderately hard rock,
tiki lounges, Bob Muck and a spot of bovine bothering
|
4.8
|
4.3
|
3.8
|
5.0
|
4.5
|
4.5
|
|
2
|
Village idiot pub,
Toronto
|
A self-effacing barmaid
and 32 beers on tap
|
4
|
3.9
|
4.25
|
4.8
|
4.8
|
4.34
|
|
3
|
The Dakota tavern,
Toronto
|
Alt cunts &blue grass
|
4.7
|
4.5
|
4.1
|
3.5
|
3.9
|
4.1
|
|
4
|
Graffiti bar, Toronto
|
Black metal brunch &
Leedslike
|
4.3
|
4
|
3.6
|
3.9
|
4.2
|
3.99
|
|
5
|
The Cock, Hackney, London
|
Bearded hipster craft
hang out
|
4.0
|
4.0
|
4.8
|
3.8
|
3.3
|
4.0
|
|
6
|
The Paradise, Queen
Street West, Toronto
|
Dolly Parton karaoke, decaying
interior
|
4.4
|
4.0
|
3.9
|
3.6
|
3.9
|
4.0
|
|
7
|
Sweaty Betties, Toronto
|
Rock corner pub on edge
of Ossington
|
4.0
|
4.1
|
3.9
|
3.6
|
4.1
|
3.9
|
|
8
|
Squirly’s, Queen Street
West, Toronto
|
Hanging mermaids & Tankhouse
ale
|
3.9
|
3.7
|
3.9
|
4.3
|
3.9
|
3.9
|
|
9
|
Lee's Palace, Toronto
|
Cavernous alt rock bunker
|
4.1
|
4.4
|
3.2
|
3.8
|
3.9
|
3.9
|
|
10
|
Painted Ladies, Toronto
|
Red lighting and psyched
out shit
|
4.0
|
4.3
|
3.9
|
3.5
|
3.8
|
3.9
|
|
11
|
The Punter, Botley,
Oxford
|
The gentrified side of Botley
life
|
4.0
|
4.1
|
3.5
|
4.0
|
3.8
|
3.9
|
|
12
|
The Railway, Dalston,
London
|
Still got some proper
locals
|
4.0
|
3.9
|
4.3
|
3.7
|
3.5
|
3.9
|
|
13
|
Mill Street Brewery,
Toronto
|
Vanilla Porter in
Distillery District
|
3.8
|
3.6
|
4.2
|
3.2
|
4.1
|
3.8
|
|
14
|
Grossman’s Tavern,
Toronto
|
Multi-generational music
in sparse settings
|
4.3
|
4.3
|
3.3
|
4
|
3
|
3.75
|
|
15
|
Thirsty and miserable,
Toronto
|
Interrupting Canadian’s
conversations to ask them the rules of baseball
|
3.8
|
3
|
4.2
|
3.9
|
3.9
|
3.75
|
|
16
|
C'est What, Toronto
|
Lots of beers but fish
tank and soulless
|
3.6
|
3.2
|
4.5
|
3.4
|
3.9
|
3.7
|
|
17
|
The Velvet Underground,
Toronto
|
No snakey Bs, needs more
combichrist
|
4.0
|
4.5
|
2.8
|
4.0
|
3.0
|
3.7
|
|
18
|
The Oxford Blue, Oxford
|
Average pub with leather
sofas
|
3.8
|
3.6
|
3.6
|
2.9
|
3.8
|
3.5
|
|
19
|
The Monarch Tavern,
Toronto
|
Circular fish tanks, faux
pub feel
|
3.6
|
2.8
|
3.5
|
3.7
|
3.8
|
3.48
|
|
20
|
The Hide Out, Queen
Street West, Toronto
|
A sort of red tunnel
|
3.8
|
3.3
|
3.9
|
2
|
4.3
|
3.44
|
|
21
|
The Kite, Botley, Oxford
|
Caught it on a bit of an
off day. Nice arch.
|
3.5
|
2.8
|
3.3
|
3.8
|
3.5
|
3.3
|
|
22
|
The Honey Pot, Oxford
|
Heavy on the dance
soundtrack.
|
3.4
|
2.9
|
3.6
|
3.3
|
3.5
|
3.3
|
|
23
|
Duke of Cambridge,
Islington, London
|
Organic Islington pub
|
3.4
|
3.0
|
3.6
|
3.0
|
3.5
|
3.3
|
|
24
|
Rivoli, Toronto
|
Comedy night in back
room, good gags about bees
|
2.9
|
3.2
|
3.2
|
3.6
|
3.5
|
3.3
|
|
25
|
The Somerstown Coffeehouse,
Euston, London
|
No Northern Ales! Suffers
due to numbers.
|
3.5
|
3.1
|
3.2
|
3.0
|
2.6
|
3.1
|
|
26
|
Lord John Russell,
Bloomsbury, London
|
Another BM Friday nighter
– weak ales.
|
3.0
|
3.1
|
2.9
|
3.0
|
2.2
|
2.8
|
|
27
|
The Royal Oak, Oxford
|
Iffley beer garden,
pricey
|
4.0
|
2.3
|
3.4
|
1.1
|
3.4
|
2.8
|
|
28
|
Spadina Café, Toronto
|
42 comedians hanging on
by the SKIN OF THEIR NUTS
|
4.1
|
1.0
|
3.3
|
2.0
|
3.5
|
2.8
|
|
29
|
The Hollybush, Botley,
London
|
Destitute – no real ale,
friendly bar staff
|
2.0
|
2.3
|
1.0
|
2.3
|
3.4
|
2.2
|
