The launch of the Cheshire 4 Life Zine (2013)

ATTENTION COMRADES!

The 2013 issue of Cheshire 4 Life – the official fanzine of the Cheshire Liberation Front will be launched at the Manchester Art Gallery Zine Fair tomorrow on Thursday 31 Jan 2013.

I have 150 copies of the Cheshire 4 Life fanzine for sale and 200 brand new C4Lf badges.

http://www.eventbrite.co.uk/event/4796336973

I’ll be at the fanzine fair from 5.00 until 8.45 and then will be rating (I said rate) Manchester to its very core.

If you’re in that neck of the woods then come along and say hello. Also an opportunity to meet C4Lf’s Head Brewer Breeches Wherries – the man who brewed Salty Saviour, Britain’s most brackish ale.

-       Francis Shire

Cheshire Yuletide report (part 1)

When people in That London ask me how long I’m going back to the Shire for Christmas and I tell them two weeks, they look at me with disbelief and ask me “what am I going to do for all that time?” My response is that I’m going back to be a drinking legend and to be hailed as ‘the Messiah of Cheshire’ but the reality is that I spend most of the time cutting up tiny pieces of paper and sticking them onto grainy print outs of C4Lf members. Here’s my recollections and review of the C4Lf Yuletide (It’s what the Anglo-Saxons called Christmas apparently – so says Tuck) season.

Friday – 14.12.2012

Arrive back in the Shire with Tone. For the last two Christmases I’ve come I’ve been back I’ve been greeted by a hearty snowstorm. No such luck this year though as it’s mild and dreek. Much to my surprise the first C4Lf member I meet is Amy ‘Seven Generations of Shire’ Stubbs in Kelsall co-op. There’s a vague feeling of déjà vu to this as when I went back to the Shire in the summer, Amy was the first C4Lf member that I met then, only this time in Jersey Ice Cream Mecca Snugburies. It turns out that she’s embarking on an exciting new career in the co-op., meaning that with El Presidente, Oli Bollington and now Amy installed in the co-op, C4Lf’s hold over Northern England’s favourite ethical retailer grows ever stronger. We gossip about the new uber co-op in Tarvin and I sign-up for  the Foresters quiz on Sunday. Upon arrival back in Utkinton I help myself to a bottle of Old Peculiar from the fridge, only for it be revealed to be a commemorative bottle given to my dad for all his hard work organising the village fete. Still it’s opened now, so I polish it off.

Saturday – 15.12.2012

Tone and I head to the Deva Stadium (not the exacta it’ll always be the Deva to me) to watch Chester City (Not FC it’ll always be City to me) play Bishop Storford for my first of my three Chester games over the Yuletide period. Chester are top of the Conference North (not the blue square it’ll always be Conference to me) and have only drawn one and lost one game all season. The typically cumudgeonly Chester fans are unused to such success and now spend most of their time on Chester fan forum Devachat bemoaning the pies, which they describe as physics-defyingly having no sides. After a cagey first half Chester demolish Bishop’s Stortford 4-1 thanks to a second half hat trick from substitute Craig Curran. Tone and I head out to Tarporley for a spot of pubbing with Ben. Tone is looking forward to a glamorous Desperate Scouse-Wives style Sess in the Cheshire village that everyone agrees most resembles New York, Chicago, Texas and Alberquerque. So naturally we head to the Rising Sun.

Rising Sun

On the bad side there’s no Old Tom on Tap (as Mister Lloyd swears there used to be) but on the plus side I’m not sick all over the entrance like at DT’s curry night. I did rating systems for the Tarporely Sess but I seem to have misplaced them in my ‘filing system’. However, the Rising Sun scores heavily for its tasteful birch-based yuletide decor but it’s Robinson’s barley water does not go down well with the Tone who gets flashbacks to the string of austere Primitive Methodist pubs we encountered on the Smitstone Trail. Apart from Old Tom are there any good Robinson’s beers?

Piste

Tone hankering to fully immerse herself in the WAG lifestyle leads me and a reluctant Ben into Tarporley’s trendy ski-lodge and favourite waterhole of the Tarporley Vics – Piste. The place is heaving and we struggle to get a seat. Tone put off beer for the evening by the watery Robbies moves onto the wine...white wine no less. A gentleman at the bar tells me that he used to have hair as long as mine and as he reminisces fondly reminisces about his days following Zeplin around Europe. He also tells us that he’s one of the owners of Piste. Before I can ask him about getting more Maiden on the Soundtrack, Soul Man and the rest of the Tarporley Vics appear. Tone takes some convincing that Soul Man isn’t a heavily-tanned Ian. Ben and I have a chat about the merits of Piste’s beer. He thinks the Weetwood bitter is pretty good but I’m unconvinced by the Lady Weetwood (Cheshire Cat), fair play to them for having Weetwood though.

The Swan (aka The Jolly Cactus, aka the )

On the way to the Swan I encounter my sis Helen, who tells us disapprovingly that she can hear us coming from the other end of the high street. It’s good to get into the Swan now rather than on Christmas Eve, when for one night a year it transforms into a youth-filled hell hole. We actually get seats in the front stairs area. Ben and I have the traditional pint of TT, it’s pretty good. But not as good as the 2000 Thomas Perry golden age era. Amy joins us and we have a chat about raising Turkeys. I get a pint of Weetwood Eastgate, again, it’s okay but I’m not feeling it.

The Foresters

With the Swan closing at 11 we head on down to the late night den of inequity that is the Foresters. I’m now nicely drunk and have a chat with the landlord about Man’s Brown ale which, as part of a brown over bitter, was the first drink I ever had in a pub when I began my drinking career back in 1999. The Landlord tells me that they no longer stock it because the only guy who used to drink it died back in 2002. I comfort my nostalgia with a packet of scampi fries and then some bacon fries, no cheesey moments though I’m not that drunk. The Foresters was probably the best pub of the night good atmosphere, good clientele and from what I can remember a nice pint of Hobgoblin.

Sunday – 16.12.2013

Tone and I go on a walk up Old Pale and encounter the Tree of Shame. A tree wrapped in red wool with the message ‘Tree of shame, this tree contains all the rubbish that careless individuals have dropped in the forest. SCUM!’ The tree contains a variety of rubbish, including bags of dog faeces. When I return next I imagine they’ll be a person hanging from one of the branches. In the evening I head on down to the Foresters to join Ben’s quiz team, which is largely Ben answering questions and everyone else sitting around quietly. I manage to answer one question which is actually just correcting Ben on the spelling of intercostal muscles. Despite our initial confidence we come about third.  

Monday – 17.12.2013

Chester shopping and shrine crawl. It takes me an age to spot the Chester Imp in the Cathedral. Get some Cheshire Blue from the Cheese shop. They have both Mrs Bourne’s and Appleby’s Cheshire Blue for sale. Two brands of Cheshire Blue, what an age to be alive! I go for the Bourne’s naturally.

Tuesday – 18.12.2013

Spend guilty day researching the lineage of Lord Binning. Is this what a revolutionary zine should be focussing on? Still that Lord Binning the 13^th and his crop circle investigations what a card. Dodgy computer clock means I leave my dad standing at bus stop for 20 minutes and he catches festive Christmas Cold. Pop to Tarvin Church graveyard to search for the grave of the Old Man of Delemere Forest and founder of the Magic Methodists James Crawfoot. Initial search is unsuccessful.

Wednesday – 19.12.2013

Watch Chester beat a well-organised but toothless Harrogate 2-0. Sarcevic scores a spectacular Gascoigne 1996 ball juggling volley. I’m beginning to get a taste for the Crocky Trail’s ‘spitting feathers’ served in the Chester Blues Bar, mhmm grainy. I wonder to myself after my mundane Weetwoods in Tarporley, whether Spitting Feathers will replace Weetwood as my favourite beer, but then I push the thought from my mind as heresy.

Thursday – 20.12.2013

It’s becoming increasingly obvious that I’m not going to finish the C4Lf Zine in time. Not if I keep spending my day’s watching forgotten biblical epics like Lawrence Olivier’s The Robe anyway. All the articles are now in, even the belated ones from Ben, Smit and El Presidente. To be fair to Ben and Smit I had requested specific articles for them that week. The cats are slowing down progress by constantly standing on my cut-out pieces of paper. Ink supplies in the Francis archaic computer are running dangerously low. A communications error with my dad means that I don’t go to Tarporley at the correct time to pick up my dad and his mate Graham and they have to hitch a lift. Am I a bad son?

Friday – 21.12.2013

Pop into Chester again during the day to go to the Lush pick and mix (why pay extra for the box, a used Sainsbury’s carrier bag does the job) to get Mum’s Christmas present. Pop down to the new pub by the racecourse the Architect – it’s a bit pine floors and no knickers for my tastes but is already standing room only and it’s not even race day. Later in the evening Baldwin, hung over from his work Christmas do, picks me up and we head to T’House aka the Farmers Arms.

The T’House is fairly quiet for a Friday night. When I was last in the T’House in November I’d told the Landlords Graham and Jo that if they got in a barrel of Weetwood Ambush then I’d come in to T’House everyday that I was back. They remonstrated with me that I’d have to drink eight pints a day to get through the barrel before it became undrinkable. However, I was adamant that if they got the Ambush in I would do this. A quick scan of the bar reveals that there is no Ambush only Eastgate and Weetwood Bitter. Jo shrugs explains to me that she forgot about my request. My disappointment is mixed with slight relief as God knows what effect that amount of Ambush would have had on me. Although only 4.8%, Ambush can have strange effects on man, rumour has that the Weetwood head brewer Rodger secretly laces it with Thujone – the psychoactive element that’s also used in absinthe. As we all remember, it was an Ambush bender that led to El Presidente being barred from the Olive Trancer back in 2003. Having Eastgate in T’House still seems unnatural to me as everyone knows it’s Eastgate for the bottom of the village and Old Dog for the top but I must try and move with the times.

El Presidente hasn’t arrived yet so rather than go stand in the backroom and sit through endless darts and page 3 spot the difference we go into the lounge bar area. Hardman and Andrea soon join and eventually also El Presidente, who has what he calls ‘the lurgie’ and disapproves of our choice of seating. We discuss the plans for Christmas Eve this year, numbers look good as Baldwin, Hardman and Andrea are all game so we decide we’ll attempt a direct assault on Chester. El Presidente offers us his traditional lift back from Tarporley to Kelsall. He can’t join us for the early day sess as Christmas Eve is the busiest day of the co-op year

Tuck arrives and we do the quiz, it’s Christmas themed and I can remember some of the questions from last year. We manage to list all the reindeer and remember the names of three wise men. We’ve only ever won T’House quiz once before and that was with pub trivia quiz Ben on the team, however, this time on an Eastgate high I’m pretty confident we’ll win. When a controversial answer to the question: ‘Which Island in the Indian Ocean is known for its large totemic head sculptures?’ is announced to be Christmas Island, some of the other teams remonstrate that the answer should be Easter Island. I somewhat obnoxiously shout out that “I think you find Easter Island is in the Pacific Ocean not the Indian Ocean.” This annoys some of the old men in T’House, who audibly refer to me as a ‘long-haired freak’ within my vicinity. “This is why you’re not allowed in the lounge area”, El Presidente tells me. Ahhh Cheshire it’s good to me back.

Despite my know-it-all smugness we get beaten by the Village Idiots by three points...how do those guys at the bar know so much about Christmas? As part of the new regime last orders is 11.30 on a Friday, however, you can buy as many pints at that time as you want. So everyone gets two pints of Eastgate in and then covers their pints to avoid what be a frankly devastating oystering. We manage to hang on in T’House until one, outlasting everyone else until we take pity on a yawning Jo and head on out into the night.

Hardman’s notes for the evening taken from the ratings book:

Being of the rating of Public Houses of the Cheshire Area and perhaps beyond.

Veritable Public Houses and other establishments of historical or popular interest of which we intend to visit as part of our Festive Sojourn into the City of Deva.

In the particular order (except the given below)

1. Plumbers

2. Queens Arms

3. The Boot

4. Horse Shit & Fuck

5. The Eagle

6. Bill Smiths motors

7. New Orleans

8. Albion (early)

9. The Architect

10. Handbridge

11. Ship

***

Shrines

1. St Werburgh

2. Nemesis @ the amphitheatre

3. Roman Garden

4. St Johns

5. Laser quest

6. James Robinson’s Grave

***

Votes for next outed celebrity paedo

Rolf Harris (verified)

Craven

Cyril Sneer

Henry Kelly (going for Gold)

Keith Harris

Daniels (Helen) & (Paul)

Dusty Bin

Bruce Forsyth

Mallet’s Mallet

***

“THIS IS THE WAY WE BO!”Was it Christmas or was it New Year? (Hint: It was Christmas)

TBC

C4Lf 2012 Award Ceremony

On the 27^th of December 2012 C4Lf held their 2012 annual review and awards ceremony at the Harkers Arms in Chester. If you’d like a copy of the 2012 annual review (48 pages of pure Cheshire goodness) then e-mail C4Lf’s minister of information at cheshire4life@gmail.com with your address.  Otherwise here are the big winners and or losers…

Attendees: DH, FS, MW, DT, JT, PF, BB, AS, SM, MM, CW, SB, LR, IR,

C4Lf event of the year 

Lloyd and Ben led C4Lf’s brave boys through the treacherous area of outstanding natural beauty that is the Wye Valley. Highlights included Baldwin’s attempts to defy the contour lines and forge a new path up a hill through a forest as darkness fell and the cracking open of a bottle of tequila to usher out Lloyd’s birthday and welcome in Ben’s. 

1. WINNER: Lloyd and Ben’s birthday expedition to the Wye Valley

2. Smitstain trail/Smashdown Londontown

Other entries: Gwrdu Games, Boxing Day football, Fran (I am an event), Big Mamma Weave’s wake 

C4Lf newcomer of the year 

After two years of new born C4Lf members getting the title of C4Lf newcomer of the year, C4Lf’s declining birth rate means that Leeds’ indie club legend and Vicky Rowley’s former housemate Big Dave claims the title of C4Lf newcomer of the year. Dave’s award owes much to his victory at the Gwrdu over Weaver at downing a can, denying Weaver the illustrious triple crown of downing the pint, boatrace, can. Sadly Big Dave couldn’t make the awards ceremony but he did text to say ominously, “He’ll have to be paying Cheshire a visit...SOON!

1. WINNER: Big Dave

2. Ian (Freeman’s mate)

Other entries: Melisa Mather, Big JT (Captain, Leader, Legend), Poppy Nichols, Maz, Jenny  Thompson

C4Lf celeb

Once again C4Lf couldn’t make a decision on who was their celeb of the year. This time though it was a tie between Jubes-organising, pond-fishing banning Gary Barlow and THE MASTER himself Jimmy Saville. The question remains though, who’ve had sex with more teenage girls?  

1. WINNER: Gary Barlow/Jimmy Saville 

Other entries: Simon Cowell, Jesus, Timpson, Russell Brand, the Queen & her 3D glasses, Beth Tweddle, none of the above 

C4Lf champagne moment  

I forgot to ask people to vote for this...answers on a postcard please. 

C4Lf drinker of the year

Unlike previous awards ceremonies where first El Presidente and then Ian won the biggest drinker award, no clear winner emerged this year. Instead the award was tied between Baldwin, Hardman and Big JT (Captain, Leader, Legend). The best drinking performances by Hardman and Baldwin I can recall were both at the November C4Lf event Smashdown London town. Baldwin for his longevity covering 21 pubs and a bottle of Malibu over 2 days, while Hardman on the last night of the Smashdown downed 2 pints of 7.5% Marcus Aurelius after being oystered by Hipster Chris. 

Immediately after the results were announced Hardman challenged Baldwin to see off his pint. C4Lf aficionados will know that on the previous occasion Baldwin and Hardman had a drink off, on Christmas Eve 2011, Baldwin was left lying unconscious on his own driveway. However, on this occasion Baldwin downed his, admittedly less than full, pint first. With Hardman vanquished Baldwin now goes onto face Big JT (Captain, Leader, Legend) in a drink off at some point in 2013. 

1. WINNER: Hardman/ Baldwin/ Big JT (Captain, Leader, Legend) 

Other entries: Andrea, Mather sisters, Franny’s zebra trousers, Lloyd, Issy 

C4Lfer of the year 

Fran may have organised the Gritstone Trail, came up with the idea for the Gwrdu Games, hosted Smashdown Londontown, edited the C4Lf fanzine and booked the C4Lf annual review but all of this pales into comparison (apparently) compared to Maz’s mighty performance at the Gwrdu this year. With Maz attending a Hootenany or some other such Scotch thing, Comrade Smit (who shares a special bond with Maz) graciously accepted the award on her behalf. Here’s looking forward to Cheshire’s New Tartan-Clad Champion ending London rule and telling Timpson the Llama ‘You Canee Take Our Freedooom’ throughout 2013. 

1. WINNER: Maz

2. Fran

3. Smit 

Other entries: Ben, Issie, Rodeo Weave, Beth Tweddle