Many of you will have heard Weaver’s crazy stories of the Farmers (aka the T’house) being closed. I like you dismissed such talk as the wild ramblings of a man who’d had one too many shots of homemade humbug vodka. However, upon my return back to the Shire I can confirm that the rumours are true the T’house is closed! Details are sketchy about what actually happened, it seems that after a series of weekends where the T’house ran out of beer, one day the current landlord Big Ste just closed the T’house. He then apparently booby-trapped the place with a series of landmines, which he’d acquired back in his days in the Paras, before he left so it may take some time before it re-opens. In true Golden-eye style the T’house toilets have been particularly heavily mined. However, according to the official magazine of the gay Cheshire real ale enthusiast ‘Out Inn Cheshire’ ‘Punch Taverns have given full assurance that they intend to restore the Farmers at the heart of the local community’ (p. 45 Autumn 2012).
Discussion within the upper echelons of the Cheshire Liberation Front have led to the following decisions: C4Lf moves to red alert and if the T’house doesn’t reopen within six months, we send in wave after wave of C4Lf foot soldiers and reclaim the drinking hole that is ours by birthright. We then set up the T’house as a Weetwood only freehouse, every C4Lf member abandons their day jobs, sells their homes and moves into the T’house to run it as a collective, sleeping in one big bed in the backroom like the grandparents in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Cheshire needs brave men and women to be part of the first wave to be sent into the T’house. Who loves their county enough to become a key member of C4Lf’s Lemming squadron?
In other news the closure of the T’house meant that Weaver and I had to spend Thursday evening at Kelsall’s other drinking establishments – the Republican Oak and the Lord Binning of Kelso. It was quiz night at the Oak and after Team C4Lf won the T’house quiz (sob sob it’s gone) on a previous trip back to the Shire I was confident that we’d have a good showing. Needless to say we came joint last, stupid Ben for misreading my text and getting the day wrong. However, we were able to witness an epic game of Play Your Cards Right in which some Oak woman won £476 quid – surely that is not a viable business model for a village pub quiz? The restaurant area of the Oak is in the process of being transformed into a deep pan pizza place called Collosomo’s – named after the 1920s Chicago gangster, so the quiz took place in the upstairs room where the snake stripper mum used to perform. Both the Eastgate and the Pendle bitter were fairly rancid unfortunately and I had to drink Cheshire Cat or Lady Weetwood as it is more commonly known. There was no Weetwood up at the Binning, however, the Paraolympics were on and the subject of much discussion. Mainly positive, although one woman was particularly enraged by a 7/7 survivor who’d lost both her arms in the bombings but now was competing in the back stroke: “She’d didn’t even go swimming before the bombings, what an attention seeker, it’s embarrassing.” Ahhh sweet sweet Cheshire, it’s good to be back.
On Friday I went to Tarporley to watch the England game with Ben and finally get a decent pint of Weetwood in the Swan. Walking down to the Foresters I was shocked to see how many boutiques there are now in Tarporley. I remember when it was just Karen Dash and I was all like – ‘stoopid Karen Dash, that’s never gonna work.’ Now I’m like – ‘why didn’t I set up a niche clothing boutique catering to WAGs and wannabe WAGs in Tarporley’ and Karen Dash is laughing in my face. On the plus side, there’s a new deli in Tarporley, which while not as good as the Skemmy Deli or Fresh corpse, does serve real Cheshire Cheese and the elusive Cheshire Blue. It’s satisfactorily pretentiously named Gastronomy and I urge all C4Lf members to go there to buy Cheshire Cheese to make the official dish of Cheshire – cheese on toast. Get there soon though because in six months, judging by the Mayfly-like lifespan of other Tarporley delis, it’ll have probably closed down to be replaced by a new Karen Dash spin-off: Karen Dash 3: Dash of Death.
For those following Weetwood’s steady expansion into the Tarporlian hinterlands, the Foresters was serving Lady Weetwood and the Swan had Cat, Best and Eastgate. The Crown looked eerily deserted as expected, while the Foresters seems to be in the place to drink in Tarporley nowadays (excluding Piste, which we didn’t make it to but I’ve been banned from doing full Tarporley crawls after I projectile vomited in the Rising Sun after DT’s curry night). Exciting news from Ben who is set to be performing in Tarporley Am Dram’s X-rated version of Calendar Girls as the photographer – oh the sights he’ll see. Ben will be performing on 21st to 24th of November (tickets from Swaffs) but will be also selling exclusive saucy pics of your favourite Tarporlian Milfs, Gilfs and GGilfs in the run up to the big show. If you’re interest contact him via facebook. All funds raised will be spent in buying Oscar Pretorius style blades for the survivors of C4Lf’s lemming squadron attempt to take back the T’house.
