Day Zero
It’s the most exciting day of the Fringe – RIGGING DAY! After a heavy night’s boozing round at C4Lf’s Edinburgh HQ in the Craigmillar estate Fran forces Tone to get up ridiculously early to go to the First Time at the Free Fringe meeting at Fringe Central. Walking through an Edinburgh plastered in posters, it feels slightly dreamlike to imagine that we’re actually performing at the World’s biggest Arts Festival. I sing ‘Well it’s the Big Shooooow’ as I wander through the streets. First wrestling reference of the entire blog there. I successfully get us to Fringe Central, where we meet the French PR representative of a Tango show and a Mime artist. I contemplate how much it would cost to have your own PR person at the Fringe, while trying not to get too distracted by her unusual semi-done up cardigan-bra Combo. That’s some quirky mid-drift exposure.
After registering for internet access - Tone and I head off to Tempting Tatties for some scran. It’s the first Haggis of the season for me and I’ve forgotten how good it tastes. Much better than Cheese on Toast – lousy county of Cheshire and it’s rubbish regional dishes. We eat said Tatties in the secret garden in Dunbar’s close. Fran spoils the tranquillity by speaking loudly on his mobile when Hardman calls – what a dick. I’d forgotten how huge a medium Tattie is at Tempting Tatties and I have to leave some, which is unheard of for me.
FRINGE LESSON 1: A regular Tattie at tempting Tatties should be enough for you.
We try and get tickets for Josie Long at the box office and we’re flyered by a series of bright young things each with 5 star shows to promote. I get a sudden pang of anxiety that with so many amazing shows on who in their right mind is going to see some niche show about the county of Cheshire. After ten minutes of standing in a stationary box office queue we abandon the exercise as fruitless and instead head back to Fringe Central to take advantage of our free internet.
FRINGE LESSON 2: Never queue at the box office to buy tickets, suck it up and pay the online booking fee.
Tone and I head down to the venue for rigging at the Buffs Club. It’s reasonably close to Princess Street but not well advertised. It doesn’t have an official Fringe venue sign and is hidden up some stairs underneath a youth hostel. We head up the stairs and we meet Frank – the man in charge at the Buffs Club. I order a pint of McEwans and Fran tells me ‘that’ll be the cheapest pint I get in Edinburgh all Fringe.’ It costs £2.50 – so if you’re drinking on a budget the Buff’s Club is the place to be. More alarming Frank knows nothing about the flyers which the good people at Cann have assured me have already been delivered to the Buffs.
Frank points me in the direction of the backroom at the Buff’s Club. Where I find the rest of the venues performers who I’m going to refer to from here on in as the Buffhouse Boys, partly to give them a Lynchian air of mystery and also because they’re all male. The room looks small but nicely secluded from the main bar. I worry slightly about how the carpeted floors are going to cope with being covered in our pseudo saline solution every day. We mill about for a bit and I meet Venue Captain Matt and Steve who are putting on the show Moonhorse vs. Mars Men of Jupiter. One of the few other acts at the Buffs who have shelled out the £393 to get in the Big Programme. Milling continues until Al Cowie parachutes in and organises us with military precision. The room is done by 1.20 and so we head up to the Cannon Gait to pick up the PA.
It is here that I meet and talk to legendary creator of the Free Fringe Peter Buckley-Hill. After reading his various e-mail proclamations and commandments I’m somewhat in awe of PBH. He looks a bit like I imagine God to look like. I try to make myself useful by lugging equipment about. Norman Lovitt tells me to ‘watch that PBH, he’ll have you lugging all sorts.’ In my head I go ‘wow the original Holly from Red Dwarf and the Doctor from Asylum’. But I just smile and laugh – I know my role. Weaver and Hardman arrive and commence in equipment lugging. Weaver gets given the role he was born to play – watching the van. We do our first pub rating of the day for the Cannon’s Gait and I manage to convince Steve and Matt to give their ratings too. Let the pub ratings commence:
The Cannon’s Gait
Decor 2.60
Atmosphere 1.77
Booze 3.58
Clientele 1.67
Barstaff 3.94
Total 2.71
Eventually Weaver’s time watching the van comes to an end and we do some serious lugging to the Buff’s Club. Then after some tin-foiling of the windows to keep out those government radio waves the drinking can properly begin. The Buff’s Club gets a possible unbeatable score. Weaver gives it an unprecedented 5 for every category.
Decor 4.57
Atmosphere 4.43
Booze 2.67
Clientele 4.57
Barstaff 4.70
Total 4.19
If it wasn’t for a lack of real ales the Buff’s club would be quite possibly the greatest venue ever. Weaver is particularly enamoured with the archaic darts score machine.
After a brief trip back to basecamp for co-op burgers we head to the Ale House. Fran enjoys seeing live music supremo Bell’s cavalcade of stars. The ale house a green leather sofa vibe. Antonia is being entertained by the story of when Hardman paid Weaver five pounds to pants an androgyne.
Decor 2.8
Atmosphere 3.8
Booze 2.9
Clientele 3
Bar staff 4
Total 3.3
A POEM BY HARDMAN:
‘Twas the night before fringemas and all through the pub.
Bell’s band was rocking...aye, there’s the rub.
The McEwan’s Ale House is the venue of choice
Weaver’s laugh is very much like Boyce (y from only Fools and Horses)’
ANDREA’S MUSIC MUSICS : ‘Impressive harmonica. ‘
We continue boozing and head over the road to the Green Mantle. The time according to my scribbled notes.
The Green Mantle
The Green Mantle has a surprisingly good selection of Real Ales and sells a special sampler tray which allows you to get a three thirds of a pint. They have Hobgoblin, Summer Lightening and Green Mantle. Tone is unimpressed however, as none of them are over 5%. We give this place a surprisingly high score for atmosphere buoyed by the booze and the anticipation of performing tomorrow.
Decor 3.6
Atmosphere 4.1
Booze 3.3
Clientele 3.5
Bar staff 3.25
Total 3.55
Sensible Fran who has been reading Logan Murray’s ‘Be a great stand-up’ is wary of the perils of being hungover for a performance and so convinces everyone to head back to the flat. We discuss the ending of the show and possible changes to the script. And Hardman, who is very dramatic for a scientist, ends the night with a tirade about the perils of changing the script. ‘You’ve got alot of questions but no answers.’ How will the first show go AAAAHHHH!’
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